Tales of the Parodyverse

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Joshua Clement
Fri Dec 23, 2005 at 09:53:22 am EST
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #31: Now With Added Lair Legion Death Traps and Josh’s Big Moment
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Morbido the Magnificent, supreme leader of the Botherhood of Evil Mutates: “Greetings, human sheep, and tremble. I am Morbido the Magnificent, supreme leader of the Botherhood of Evil Mutates, future absolute ruler of this planet. Grovel in fear.”

“I am here today to describe the events of my inevitable ascension to glory, to demonstrate the utter defeat and destruction of the so-called heroes the Lair Legion and the subsequent detonation of my GenesBomb TM, a device which modifies all non-mutate life on Earth to make it docile and obedient. In this way the dull homo sapiens who dare oppress my people will become our slave race, and have to wear cute little maids uniforms and do our bidding. Women and men alike. That is their punishment for failing to accept our superiority. And high heels.”

“So, in a final gesture to show how archvillainous and terrible I am, I come to explain exactly what is about to happen. Joined now by my long-lost son, speedster De Brown Streak, the Botherhood lies in wait to ambush the Legion. My precious daughter, the ever-virtuous Vermillion Vex will lead those so-called heroes into the trap. And then we shall rule the world!”

The Hooded Hood: “Well, that sounds very terrible indeed, Morbido. It looks as if nothing can stop you now.” He smirks.

And so we present:

The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #31: Now With Added Lair Legion Death Traps and Josh’s Big Moment

It’s the Lair Mansion, in the Lair Legion Living Room. Yo gives the tearful Pricilla DuBois a hot chocolate to calm her down. “There there. Do not to be fretting over cute Visi. Is to be that Lair Legioning will be to be rescuing of cute Visi before too many parts of him are chopped off by your uncute father Morbido the Magnificenting.”

Pricilla, her big eyes wide and honest and frightened (no, really): “But Yo, you don’t understand. My f… my father visited me. At my house. He said… he said I had to join him in his war on humanity. He said if I didn’t, he’d use V-visionary as a throw rug! Sob!”

Sir Mumphrey Wilton: “Never fear, m’dear. I’ll just keep on being comforting and paternal and British until you feel better, what?”

Lisa: “Don’t worry. Visionary would make a terrible throw rug. Premature male pattern hair loss.”

Pricilla: “I… I have to go to him tonight. I don’t have any choice!” The Vermillion Vex goes back to weeping and waits for the heroes to make the connection.

Hatman: “Wait! You’re saying… you’re going to be in contact with Morbido. He’s told you where to go to meet him?”

CrazySugarFreakBoy!: “Do you have to wear a buttonhole or carry a paper so he’ll recognise you? Or maybe he’ll come in a Darth Vader mask?”

Mr Epitome: “You’re suggesting we go to the meeting instead of Ms DuBois? I’m not sure. Sounds to me like it could be a tr…” *Pricilla looks up sharply, her vex powers surging* “A great idea,” Epitome concludes. “Dancer, what’s wrong? Migraines again?”

Dancer: “Yep. I’ve been getting them a lot recently. It’s almost as if the causal fabric of universal narrative was being screwed up. But that’s ridiculous.”

Pricilla: “You can’t go to the meeting in my place. Morbido gave me this decoder device to wear which will protect me from the automated defences on his secret headquarters, and also he has set this destruction shields to, um destruct anybody who doesn’t have my DNA.”

Al B snatches the device gleefully. “This? Hmm. Standard BALD exclusion field generator. I can replicate it pretty easily for all of us, then come up with a refraction cloak that should make all of us seem to have Pricilla’s DNA if we huddle close enough around her going in.”

Pricilla looks over at Trickshot. “Oh joy.”

Yuki Shiro: “We should all go in this time, not just the Field Team. The Legion struggled against the Botherhood before, and they’d only just whupped them when Morbido arrived and tossed everybody into Outer Space. This time I want to be tossed into Outer Space.”

Mumphrey: “Hmm. Seems like these blighters will need a bit of extra effort to pot. Jolly well, let’s send in the troops in force. Young Harper can whip up enough gadgets for all of us, don’t y’know?”

Uhuna: “What about Josh? The Botherhood captured him, too.”

Pricilla snorts. “Captured him in the he-went-with-them-of-his-own-accord-after-trying-to-murder-Herbert-Garrick sense of the word, you mean?”

“He didn’t try ta murder Garrick,” snorts Trickshot back. “Garrick got a bump on the head an’ that’s it. I dunno how things got so confused that poor Clement wus accused of murder.”

Pricilla: “Yes, fancy that. So the entire Lair Legion is going to creep into the Botherhood’s secret hideout and rescue Visionary?”

The Shoggoth: “I don’t see why everyone is taking Visionary being dismembered so seriously. I split off into discrete biomasses all the time. I’m sure Visionary could do the same if he gave up this ridiculous human habit of having a fixed cellular structure.”

Hatman: “Yes, that’s the plan. The sneaking in, not the teaching Vizh to be dismembered part.” He repeats that to be certain the Shoggoth has understood. “I’m afraid you’ll have to come along with us, Ms DuBois. We’ll need your DNA template to activate the cover screen.”

“We could just pull her hair out and use that,” offers Lisa helpfully. “Just saying.”

“I’ll do anything I have to to see you all into that base,” Pricilla promises. “Although I was hoping to stay behind and take care of the Juniors while you were gone.” She thinks about the poison in her handbag. “But I can take care of them later. Especially Kerry.”

Hallie: “I need to go in to rescue Vizh too. These security passes are attached to a complex computer system. You’ll need me to break through, and the Librarian to suck out the over-ride codes.”

Librarian: “You can borrow me as long as I get returned within two weeks.”

Pricilla: “Uhuna should come along too. Someone might get hurt.” The Vex smiles insincerely at the Abhuman sex-princess. “I’m sure someone’s bound to get hurt.”

Uhuna: “I’ll go, of course. I need to talk to Josh, to explain. We need to have a quiet conversation scene before things get too widescreen.”

Pricilla: “Stay close to me, Uhuna. I’d feel terrible if anything happened to you and I wasn’t there.”

Me Epitome: “I still feel as if we’re missing something, some important fact or idea that… damn, I forgot to pick up the latest issue of Rampant Republican from the news-stand!”

Mumphrey: “So, we’re decided. We’ll creep in with Miss DuBois tonight and deal with this ungodly Botherhood. Jolly good.”

CSFB: “It always sounds so much better when he says this stuff.”

And that night, at an abandoned tyre factory near Kalamazoo, Michigan, Operation Get Cute Visi Out of Nasty Clutches of Uncute Botherhood of Evil Mutates begins…

The Shoggoth: “I am oozing into the factory from seven different directions, but I am a little surprised by how well sealed the ways I’m trying to get in are. It is almost as if somebody knew in advance what I would be attempting.”

Al B: “Okay, DNA blurring at optimal, bogglement field in place. Everyone cluster round Pricilla.”

Pricilla: “Hey!”

Trickshot: “It wuz just my banana arrow. Honest, toots.”

Yuki: “Sir Mumphrey, what’s an acceptable casualty rate for friendly fire?”

Mumph: “I’m just going to do a little bit of jiggery-pokery to stop time for a moment chaps. Then we can go in.” He fiddles with his temporal pocketwatch, pushing the unfair advantage button.

CrazySugarFreakBoy!: “Okay, I’ve got point. Hat, you cover the rear. Fascist-Man, you kick the wall in.”

Dancer: “Ack! Huge searing headache again! It’s like high school math lessons before I discovered boys!”

Trickshot: “Hey, the metal walls are moving, closing in on us!”

Shoggoth: “My other biomasses are being enclosed in fast-setting concrete!”

Yuki: “I’m picking up massive electromagnetic disturbances! It’s a trap!”

Mumphrey: “They’re shielded from temporal stasis! But how could they know?”

Hallie: “Uh-oh! A security force field just went up round the whole factory, stopping anybody getting in or out. We’re cut off!”

Lisa: “I’m getting hot. And I don’t mean in the usual way. Is it me or are these security passes round our necks overheating?”

The Librarian: “They’re just reacting to some kind of coded magnetic pulse. I’ll be able to read it in a second. It says… strangle the heroes?” Then the pass round his neck tightens into a noose. “Ack!”

Most of the heroes are in trouble, but Yuki and Epitome can easily snap their passes off. The Shoggoth’s head just squeezes off and plops onto the floor. Then the metal walls wrap round them, imprisoning them like turkeys in tinfoil.

Uhuna: “Pricilla, you’re still free! Help us!”

Pricilla: “I really think you should call me by my supervillain name: the Vermillion Vex!”

CSFB!: “The Vermillion Vex! But I thought that would turn out to be Old Man Bickley!”

Dancer: “Ah! That makes so much more sense now. Yes, much better.” The cleaning improbably collapses on Pricilla, except that now Morbido has arrived and gestures the debris away.

Morbido the Magnificent: “It is over. I have trapped the entire Lair Legion with my brilliant master plan!”

Pricilla: “Hey, excuse me…! Whose brilliant master plan?”

Morbido ignores her. “And now I shall grant them slow, painful deaths. Behold, my Botherhood, the last champions of humankind squashed into pulp!”

The Botherhood of Evil Mutates come out from concealment to make sure none of the Legion avoids slow painful deaths. And with the Botherhood comes…

De Brown Streak: “Crap. Everyone knew this moment was going to come, didn’t they? Crap.” He steps forward and puts his hand up.. “Um dad, I’m sorry but they’re not the last champions of humankind. And you haven’t trapped every one of the Lair Legion.”

Yo: “Yay! Is to be the good bit!!”

Pricilla, quietly: “Josh, ixnay on the rohepay, okay. That’s the entire Botherhood surrounding you just now, and they’re looking forward to some hero squashing.”

DBS: “I know. But right is right and wrong is wrong, and the right thing to do is for me to fight the entire Botherhood, my own father, and you, in a senses-shattering fight to the finish, right here, right now, to save the Legion and to save the world. Damn it.”

Yo: “Yay!”

Uhuna: “Is that Josh out there? Josh? Josh?”

Yuki: “Don’t think I can’t feel that hand, Bastion.”

Trickshot: “Hey, that was CSFB!”

Dancer: “Quiet everybody. Josh is working up to a cliffhanger turning point here!”

Morbido: “You dare stand between me and ultimate victory, my son? You dare to face the wrath of Morbido the Magnificent and his Botherhood of Evil Mutates?”

“Yes,” prompts CSFB! “Say yes!”

De Brown Streak: “Yes.” He swallows hard. “Bring it on!”

To be concluded!. We still have Josh vs the Botherhood, Vizh vs Pricilla, the escape of the Lair Legion, the threat of the GeneBomb, the really big showdown where everything blows up, and the shock ending to fit in next time, so it could be a really big chapter!

Have a great Christmas, everyone!



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